2008I remember the day mom was diagnosed with cancer and one of the first things I said to Hubby as I was crying into his chest was, "how can I ever be a mom without my mom." My dream of raising a child with mom a phone call away or our joke that she would be at my door step in a blink was slipping away. The dream of our kids running out of the car to grandma and grandpa's house to eat fun shaped pancakes for breakfast and ice cream for dinner was fading. It was such a hard realization to wrap my head around.
One of the first things mom said after I found out her cancer diagnosis was "I am going to live to be a grandma." I prayed right then and there in my heart that God would bless us with a child soon. It made it all the more tough when we struggled with infertility for 14 months feeling like we were missing out on time for mom to be a grandma. God had a plan and even though I don't quite understand why He made us wait for a baby and give mom less time as a grandma, I trust it was for the best and for a reason.
It was such a wonderful day on Oct. 30, 2009 when I wrapped a picture frame that said, "Looking forward to meeting my Gemma and Grandpa on July 2, 2010!" Mom let out a happy yelp with tears of joy. It was beautiful and I was so thankful that God had answered our prayers and mom would be a grandma (Gemma as we were going to call her) and I was going to be able to share at least a little bit of parenthood with her.
Fast forward through months of nausea, tiredness, and more nausea and before I knew it my water broke and I was calling to mom saying I was in labor on May 4th 9 1/2 weeks early. It was a whirlwind to say the least.
Mom was just a phone call away again when Hubby was out running an errand and the birth certificate lady had come into the room for what felt like the 100th time asking if we had a name for our baby and I was completely overwhelmed. I mean we did not have a name for our child and we were getting ever more close to checking out the hospital without a baby to put in the car. I was quickly losing it. Mom was so calm and reassuring. I was so thankful for that and for her being there.
It was shortly after this day that I really began to notice mom's decline and the reality that I could not be there for her and she could not be there for me. At this point, we began protecting each other. I began keeping it together around her as to not make things harder for her and she began keeping her decline unspoken. I kept my inner turmoil inside and she never knew the real pain I was experiencing with Faith and I did not know her inner turmoil of realizing that she was not going to see Faith to her 1 st birthday.
It has been 4 months that mom has been gone and even though the void of her absence here on earth is still very much felt, God has given me some peace. I have made it through many days and been OK without being able to call her to ask advice or just to tell her something crazy...like seeing our favorite weatherman today walking outside an office building that I was about to go into. It is the silly things like that when I really miss mom and have to stop myself from picking up the phone. Or it is when I am up too late (mom was a night owl) and in flipping the channels I run across What N#t to Wear (she watched that show all the time), that I think of her. It is days like today when Faith was crabby and I was crabby and the tears would just come for what seemed like no reason, that I miss her. I miss the one person you can call and it does not matter if you have it together because she is your MOM and that is what moms are for, right?!
