Purpose and Grace

When did I become interested in orphans? Well, it has moved in and out of my life since early high school-maybe before, but this is when I distinctly remember my heart growing. It was early 1990's and 20/20 or something like that aired a piece about Romania's orphanages. I remember watching the 2 part episode and just bawled through the whole thing and wanted to go to Romania and save ALL the children. It was painful to watch. From then, I would be drawn to sponsoring children to completing my Master's project on the topic. Did I always think I would adopt? No. Has it always been in the back of my head? Yes. Has it become more clear through infertility? Yes. If I got pregnant today would I still want to adopt? Yes. Did I feel this way way back when we first started trying to get pregnant? No. Has God used our infertility to lead us to adoption? Maybe.

I have been requesting info. from several agencies (just in case we get an official call from the Lord to adopt). I am still not sure what the 'official' call will be, or how it will come/look, but I trust it will come and we will know exactly what the Lord has for us. One agency has an amazing story of how it came to existence. I cannot tell you how present God is in the lives of people who have answered the call to adoption. In the packet of information that was sent was a book that was written by the founder of this agency.

There are a few points in the book that are worth quoting!

"Second Timothy 1:9 reminds us that He calls us according to His own purpose and grace. God Himself issues the call, and He executes the plan. We are simply asked to acknowledge His call. I find acknowledgment the easiest part of the process. The true test comes in living obediently within the call. Many are called, but few submit to God's sovereignty when the result isn't what they were expecting."

"The Christian life does not always play out the way we expect: I do this, God does that. It's not that simple. The choice to trust God isn't cushioned by deals, and promises that everything will turn out the way we think it should. God's only promise is that He will work all things in our lives for the good and for His glory."
(quotes from The Strength of Mercy by Jan Beazely)

I will go before you and make the rough places smooth;

I will shatter the doors of bronze, and cut through their iron bars.

And I will give you the treasures of darkness, and hidden wealth of secret places,

in order that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel,

who calls you by your name.

Isaiah 45:2-3

I really wish I could share that we know exactly what we are doing, but the honest truth is that we don't. Some days, I feel like we are no closer to knowing anything. Some days I am so discouraged and wonder how God could ever work out the miracle of adopting an orphan. Some days I "see" our child and he/she (I mostly see a she, but that could be that I would just love to have a daughter) and he/she looks nothing like us and it feels so right. Only God could be doing this folks. If you know me outside of this blog you know that only God could be doing this work in me. All I know is my heart aches-- I can't get enough of reading blogs on Asian adoptions, learning about people's adoption journeys, and seeking out requirements of countries, and desperately seeing if we 'fit' anywhere. God constantly brings these orphans to my heart to pray for.

God is working my friends, and it is so hard to not know the end of the story.

Our walk is a journey not just a destination!

My Heart Wants His Will

I am so blessed!

I have wonderful parents who love me unconditionally. I have a brother and sister-in-law who are a blessing to me even across the many miles. My husband is beyond words for being the amazing Christian man I prayed for, for many years. My church family is such a blessing. I have a wonderful job teaching kindergartners!

Lord, please forgive me for my impatience and my human desires that think I know best.

Yet, I feel like there is something missing. I know in His time, His desires for us will become our own and we will see exactly how He wants to build our family. Right now it is not clear.

We had a wonderful anniversary trip and enjoyed an amazing dinner on the 40th floor of a building. Even though I loved it, mainly because I was sharing it with my husband.... it just felt kind of different. The whole time I just kept thinking about all the orphans I have been reading about.

God has created quite a special place for Asian orphans in my heart.

On the way home from our trip, I just kept looking in the backseat half expecting to see a little Asian child in a car seat babbling to us and how perfect it felt.

Lord, if you are calling us to adopt in Asia...where? when? how?

Some Days are Just Too Much

Today, was a really hard day. I think the lack of sleep lately is not helping my fragile state today! Last night, my husband and I shared with my parents about our infertility. We had been keeping it a secret, but it was time to share. It was SO hard and it is SO much harder when your mom has cancer and only God knows her time left here with us on earth.

I have been doing much better with the pregnancy announcements that are happening all around me, but today was just not a good day and it was all I could do to keep it together this morning in our Sunday school when another couple announced their pregnancy. It is a place like no other to be extremely happy for your dear friends, but also feel so much pain and sadness for yourself and then the struggle to not let it show because you don't want to be the person that rains on the parade.

I Life My Eyes Up

by Kutless

I lift my eyes up to the mountains

Where does my help come from

My help comes from You

Maker of heaven, creator of the earth

He keeps our feet firm,

He watches o’er us

He will not tire or rest

Truly He watches over His people

And He will not sleep

Chorus:

Oh how I need You Lord

You are my only hope

You’re my only prayer

So I will wait for You

To come and rescue me

Come and give me life

The Lord will keep you from every evil

He will tend your life

The Lord will guard you coming and going

Now and forevermore

His Words In My Head

For the second time this week, as I have been laying in bed, God brought a song to my head. It is like all of sudden I realize there is a song going through my head. I truly feel that God is using this way to speak to me. I don't know exactly where He is taking me and how I will get there, but I am trying my best to completely trust. God has been doing amazing things in my heart over the last month.

Hands and Feet by Audio Adrenaline
(type the song into youtube to see the video--I could not get it to link)

An image flashed across my TV screen
Another broken heart comes in to view
I saw the pain and I turned my back
Why can't I do the things I want to?
I'm willing yet I'm so afraid
You give me strength, when I say
I wanna be your hands
I wanna be your feet
I'll go where you send me
I'll go where you send me
I'll be your hands
I'll be your feet
I'll go where you send me
I'll go where you send me
And I'll try, yeah I'll try
To touch the world
Like you touched my life
And I'll find my way
To be your hands
I'll abandon every selfish thought
I'll surrender every thing I've got
You can have everything I am
And perfect everything I'm not
I am willing, I'm not afraid
You give me strength, when I say
I wanna be your hands
I wanna be your feet
I'll go where you send me
I'll go where you send me
I'll be your hands
I'll be your feet
I'll go where you send me
I'll go where you send me
And I'll try, yeah I'll try
To touch the world
Like you touched my life
And I'll find my way
This is the last time I turn my back on you
From now on, I'll go out, send me where you want me to
I finally have a mission, I promise I'll complete
I don't need excuses, when I am your hands and feet
I am your hands and feet
Hands, feet, go, go
I wanna be your hands
I wanna be your feet
I'll go where you send me
I'll go where you send me

Speaking Through Song

It was through Christian music that I found Christ and let Him in my heart way back in 1996. Songs continue to minister to me often.

For the last week, I have had trouble sleeping. I just lay there awake and think, think, think, and think too much. I clearly remember a point brought up at church way back in the fall about insomnia=someone needs your prayer. So, as I lay there, I try to listen and pray for people that come to my mind. My heart has been so heavy in prayer for all the orphans of this world. I have read MANY blogs of people that have adopted internationally and all I can say is "wow, God is at work and has not forgotten His abandoned children." I am praying about how I can do 'more' for orphans. Currently, I support Steven Curtis Chapman's foundation and have for several years. What an amazing mission for Christ he and his family are doing. http://www.showhope.org/

Last night, out of nowhere, a song came to my mind that I so needed to sing:

"I Surrender All"

All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

Refrain:
I surrender all,I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Now I feel the sacred flame.
Oh, the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to His Name!

Finders Weepers

Sometimes on the infertility journey emotions come when you least expect it.

I was cleaned out my closet and other nooks and crannies and came across somethings I have forgotten.

Can you take things back to Kohl's even though it has been over a year old? I have the original receipt and all price tags are on.

When we first began this "let's start a family" journey, I would daydream about how we were going to tell our parents. I had this all planned out...probably my first mistake right there... that I was going to put the baby's due date in a picture frames that say, "Grandma Loves Me" and "Grandpa Loves Me." Well, the frames are still in the bag, in the box, and receipt intact. I am just not excited about the frames anymore and I am tired of them hanging around here, so I think I am going to return them--if they let me. If, returning is not an option then I will either offer them back to Kohl's or they will be in a garage sale near you.

I also found a pair of maternity jeans from Target that were dirt cheap, so I bought them...without being preggo...which was probably a repeat mistake. Maybe I should hold onto those as my "fat jeans." LOL!

The best news of the day...IS OUR GUEST/STORAGE ROOM IS SPARKLING CLEAN AND ORGANIZED.

UPDATE: I did end up returning the frames. I got cash back and treated myself to my favorite at Einstein Bagel!