Swirls

Six months can feel like a lifetime and a lifetime worth of events can happen in that time. I don't recommend it! Sometimes I wonder how I have ever made it through this year...Only through God's grace and strength have I made it is all I can say. My sweet friends have been wonderful too and I am SO thankful for God's blessing of true and authentic friendship.

First start off with the toughest classes of kindergartners to teach.

Decide now is the time to sell your house.

Sell your house to the first buyer through the door.

Yikes, need to find a house before April 30th!

Have a baby 9-10 weeks early.

Go from a 2 income family to a one income family

Move in June.

Bring home a baby in July.

Become knee deep in parenthood with a very fussy baby and a transition from 2 becomes 3.

Loose your mom and best friend.

I am so tired. I am so weak. In college, I was in a deep valley and I thought I would never be back in the depths again and here I am back in the depths of the valley. I'll climb out again...

So thankful for HIM.

I will leave you today with a song that I played over and over on the drive over to see mom for the last time here on earth.


To Know You
by Casting Crowns

To know you is never worry for my life, and
To know you is to never to give in or compromise
To know you is to want to tell the world about you
Cause I can't live without you

To know you is to hear your voice when you are calling
To know you is to catch my brother when he is falling
To know you is to feel the pain of the broken hearted
Cause they can't live with out you.

More than my next breath
More than life or death
All reaching for, I live my life to know you more
I leave it all behind, you are all that satisfies
To know you is to want to know you more
To know you is to want to know you more

To know you is to ache for more than ordinary
To know you is to look beyond the temporary
To know you is believing that you will be enough
Cause there is no life without you

More than my next breath
More than life or death
All I'm reaching for, I live my life to know you more
I leave it all behind, you are all that satisfies
To know you is to want to know you more
To know you is to want to know you more

All this life could offer me, could not compare to you
Compare to you
And I count it all as lost, compared to knowing you
Knowing you

More than my next breath
More than life or death
All I'm reaching for, I live my life to know you more
I leave it all behind, you are all that satisfies
To know you is to want to know you more
To know you is to want to know you more

Compared to you
Compared to you
And I count it all as lost, compared to knowing you
Knowing you
And I count it all as lost, compared to knowing you
Knowing you

Two New Posts

Okay, so I don't know how to order things on my blog. Hah!



Read the post Getting Really Real first then go back and read The Day I Met You.

The Day I Met You

Me completely disconnected

The day Faith and I bonded

Can you have PTSD from childbirth? Faith is now 6 months and several times a week I replay her birth in my head and even though I feel extreme joy that God would so bless me with a beautiful daughter...our true miracle, I continue to experience extreme saddness over her premature birth. This I feel the most shame about and have had the hardest time sharing. Hence, one of the reasons for the lack of blog posts.

I feel guilt for the thoughts and feelings I have had over my daughter's birth and struggle very much with, "what would others think." In the little that I have shared with others, in some ways I am not alone in my struggles and thoughts, but people don't share the hard stuff and so it keeps our little club feeling alone. I certainly don't want to tell others what to do or how they should process their life, but I really think if the shame, stigma and fear were taken away we would feel more free to share and would quickly learn we are not alone...something I long for in this journey.

When you are deep into post-partum I don't think you really realize how off you are until you have walked through it long enough...at least that is my story. My story also includes having a preemie daughter and no other friends who have walked that path....which is another reason I think I have been so quiet.

My hope in sharing here is to help someone else-to help others not feel so alone and that they are ok and that God never changes and loves us even when we are distant. I also pray along the way that God would teach me, too.

So here goes...here is the real and authentic birth story of my daughter. Read here to read Faith's birth story as I wrote it shortly after she was born. All that is true and how I processed it at the time. Fast forward 6 months and I have had much more time to play and replay her birth and the struggles I have had a long the way.

When I really realized I was going to have a baby born 9-10 weeks early I had to almost shut down because it was more than I could handle. I feared she would die before I could even hold her. Have I mentioned my fear of hospitals and going to the doctor? So, you can see this was really really hard for me. When they wheeled me into the labor and delivery room, I had about 30 minutes to process that I was really going to have a baby and 5 pushes later she was out. Praise the Lord she cried right away and that eased my fear of her dying for the moment. I never got to hold her before they wheeled her out and that was something very big in the struggle I would soon learn about and have to walk through. That being said, I don't for one minute think the doctors did anything wrong and they were doing what was best for my child and I would not change that. It is just the circumstance of having a preemie that lead me to not be able to hold her and then the consequent struggles.

Faith was wheeled in one direction and I was wheeled in another direction to my room. This was not how it was supposed to happen. I was in my room without my baby. Did I even just have a baby? My baby was only 30 weeks old and I am not sure who that baby is that was wheeled upstairs to the NICU. A little while later, I was wheeled upstairs with my hubby and my parents to see our baby who at the time did not have a name and the doctor bless her heart was talking to me about Faith's condition and what we could expect and I did not hear any of it...it was a movie moment of...wah, wah, wah...I just kept being numb and looking at that baby hooked up to all those machines and saying in my head, "that is not my baby." Oh, this is so hard to share, but I want to be real. I need to be real. After seeing Faith we headed back downstairs to my room and all night I layed in bed waiting to feel the movements in my belly and nothing. That baby upstairs was not really mine, my baby was supposed to be in my belly. I mourned for that baby that was supposed to be in my belly. It was like that baby had died because I did not recognize the baby that was upstairs. You see the tremendous disconnect here?



Faith was in the NICU for 8 weeks and it took 3 weeks before I could walk to her room without fearing she was dead. Slowly, God broke down my fear of hospitals and doctors. I spent many hours a day at the hospital and got to know many of the wonderful nurses and doctors. Oh, how I came to love them. I am so thankful for that time.


My lack of holding Faith when she was born, my disconnect with reality, and bringing home an extremely fussy baby all played into my next struggle.


It was a little less than a month ago that I can honestly tell you that I bonded with my baby...my baby all along. The baby that was in my belly, that came out of me 10 weeks early, and who I brought home. I really struggled to bond with Faith and felt such guilt and shame over it. I mean, I should have felt instant bond and happiness over the birth of my daughter with all the struggle of infertity and desire and ache to have a family. I should not feel this way! But, I did...oh, how I did. It was not until the day Faith grew tall enough that when I was holding her her forehead would hit my face and she would rest there. It was that gesture from her that God used to connect her to my heart. I have cried a many of times over that gesture and gift that God gave me.


Why I share all of this you ask? I am not sure and pray God would make it known in some little way someday. I do know that it is fully me to be open, honest, process through writing, and want to help others and it feels good to be there again. :)

Getting Really Real

Have you noticed how blah and candy coated this blog has been for the last six months? I sure have and it goes totally against how I started this blog...to be transparent! I have so failed in this area folks. You see, I have been surviving. I have been that lonely ship out to sea, with no paddles, and dumb founded on how to get back to the shore of life. A fellow blogger said it perfectly..."it is like swirls in my head." So many thoughts and emotions that I have had a hard time even thinking about what is for dinner and planning how I am going to get it done. You see, some days I have just sat (during what little free time I have with a baby that does not nap more than 30 minutes and wants me to hold her the other 24/7...aaaa wait that doesn't add up...well you get it) and stared at the wall and wondered, " I really need to clean the kitchen." But, I usually end up at, "I don't know where to start"..."Do I put the clean dishes away first? Do I wash the dirty dishes first then put the clean dishes away? Or should I organize the mound of mail that sits there screaming for organization?" Instead, I sit there and cry because I don't know where to begin. I don't know how to get it done "perfectly." I, then become completely overwhelmed and do nothing and just when I pull myself off the couch to get a kleenex, the baby wakes up and I got nothing done...the kitchen is still a mess and the swirls in my head continue.

I am going to try and not hide anymoe...I am really good at it!

I have wanted to be real and authentic with you all desperately (especially to my close friends), but every time I sit down to write, it does not come out or I feel deep shame about the way I feel/am and so I tried to avoid the blog-- like by doing that my inner turmoil would be less swirly. It didn't work...

Hi

Guess what? I am 6 months old. That is half a year! Mommy can't believe it! I still am pretty fussy, but I sure love to laugh, too. I LOVE my daddy and laugh and smile when he comes home from work. Giggling is fun when mommy tickles my tummy or makes a funny sound in my ear. I LOVE to be carried around and want to know what mommy is doing at all times. I weigh 14lbs, so I am sure mommy's arms are tired by the end of the day. I am a good eater, so I bet I will get heavier for mommy to carry. I guess she better start lifting weights to keep up with me. Tummy time is still not my favorite, but I will lay there long enough to roll to my back. Car rides are so fun and it is naptime for me. Mommy doesn't know that I know, but I know she puts me in the car for a ride even if we aren't going anywhere just so her mind and body can have a little rest. Well, I got my first cold, so I better go and get to bed. Good Night!

Love and Hugs,

Faith

Adoptions!

It is so exciting to see two more of my friends going through the adoption process. The Foster's are adopting from Korea and the Bottorff's from Ukraine. If you are local the Bottorff's are having a massive garage sale starting tomorrow, so email me if you want to know where. The Foster's are doing a giveaway on their blog. Check it out!


http://fosterhometofosterhome.blogspot.com/