JOY

I can hardly believe that I have hit 21 weeks being pregnant. At this point, there really is no hiding the fact! Thankfully, my nausea has gotten much better...not completely gone, but hey, I will take better. I have been really tired lately and sleeping through the night has not happened in weeks. I guess that is God's way of preparing me for those sleepless nights.

Can I be honest with a struggle I am having? I am still afraid this baby won't be. That this is still just a dream and in the end I will wake up and it will be gone. Or that this baby won't live or have serious problems. I am having a hard time excepting the JOY. I have kept JOY at arms length and that just makes me so sad that I am 'letting this time pass by.' It hit me the other day that the space between my heart and the JOY that God has brought is a lack of trust....trusting that God has it all in His hands and it is okay to feel the JOY.

I am sad that I am having trouble with excepting the JOY because I feel like I have lost bonding time with our baby. It is like I don't want to get too close because then if it does not turn out then I won't hurt as bad. Has anyone else felt this? Am I just super crazy? This area has been a big prayer for me. I am constantly learning to trust God!

On a sweet note, I think I have a nursery idea! Vintage!!

His Plans

Last week, I was very much reminded that His plans are not always our plans and I may not understand His plans. Sometimes, it feels like His plans are hurting us and even though it may seem that way to our little human heads, there is a GREATER plan. A plan that can wipe out every question, every hurt...if we are open to accepting it. Hard to do when the situation is so real and so deep and feels so sad.

My close friend miscarried last week. Baby B and our baby were sure to be best of friends. Secretly, I had fun plans for us as mommies with our babies who would have been only a few months apart. My friend and I can relate in so many ways. We both struggled to get pregnant and when we both did...wow, it was an answer to many, many prayers. We both cried when each of us announced our pregnancies..so, so happy for one another.

Sadly, things did not turn out as I had dreamed they would. Isn't life as such? Then I think back to all the hardships I have gone through in life and in the moment they all were so hard and felt so bad and felt like maybe God was not there. But, I have always come out of it with more clarity and a closeness to the Lord that I would not have had otherwise. I pray for my dear friend that the pain only leads her closer to our Father and that someday, in His perfect timing, Baby B will be born from her physically or from her heart...whatever HIS plan is.

Lift your eyes up today.