Almost Day 27...

...and the usual symptoms (crampy).

I was SO hoping that God would bless us with a little one before we had to endure medical intervention. Oh, I am so sad...

It looks like the next step is to have hubby's swimmers tested (he is thrilled about this btw...NOT) and I will get my tubes checked by a not-so-comfortable procedure called hysteropingogram (so looking forward to that...NOT).

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.- Psalms 31:24

Always a Mother's Heart

"Your fertility challenges hurt this much because you already have a mother's heart and are grieving for your children." (Hannah's Hope~Jennifer Saake)

I really could not put this quote into better words to describe the deep feelings that I have. I really have felt like I have been grieving. I have fought deep depressed feelings off and on through this whole year. It is like each month trying to prepare for a piece of my heart to be torn away and then it takes some time to heal only to be torn again...and again... and again...It is so hard to describe the emptiness that I have felt over the last year.

You know what is comforting? God has felt this same way. God has given his son, so that we could be HIS child. Wow! He knows how I feel. I am holding onto this...tightly.

I Am Viewing It As Relief

I went for my annual in mid-March. Secretly, I was hoping she would say that we had tried long enough to start investigating possible reasons we aren't pregnant. Bummer, that she said "try 2 more months and then come back in June." Guess what...I got an appointment for June 1st! How perfect is that! :) I have to say that this month has been a bit easier to get through knowing that I had an appointment already set.

It has been easier to see the cute baby bumps at work, it has gotten easier to walk by the baby aisle, it has gotten better to live day by day with the disappointment. I am learning to be content even though it goes against everything I desire and feel made to do (be a mom).

God has taught me a lot this year as we struggle with this. I have to confess that I have not always been open to listen and have very much wanted to take things into my own hands. This year I have spent many days, hours, and minutes in the "valley." It is so hard to come out of the valley; to see the light God is shining. I wish I could see His light-see His plan. I simply don't understand. I don't understand His reason, for what it seems like to me, in this delay of starting a family. Sigh.................

So, I plan to keep on, keeping on, and day by day rely on the only place I can really find true Hope--- in my Father's lap.

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamintations 3:22-23

Walking for Life

My absolute favorite Anne Geddes photo.

Today, my husband and I walked in the Advice and Aid walk. My mom is volunteering for the organization that helps women who are facing unplanned pregnancy. This organization celebrates life! As I was walking, I whispered to my husband on how unique it felt to be walking for women who are facing pregnancies that they don't want and even consider aborting and how we are facing the total opposite in that we want pregnancy, but "can't" get there. I lifted up all the women that this organization will help. I can imagine how scary it must be to be faced with the fear of having a child that they did not plan. Thankfully, we can rest in that God has a plan for each of these children and they aren't unplanned to Him. He has known all along!

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

To all the mothers out there...Happy Mother's Day tomorrow. I know I will be celebrating and cherishing the time with my mom and remember how much of a gift she has been to me. I have been especially reminded of this the last two years as she battles cancer.

Crossroads

I have hit a crossroad. I think I have come to this road before...monthy actually...10mos I believe. Each time the two roads are there. I know which one I should take, but I must confess I don't always boldly take the right road; the road I know is good and plenty.

The two roads are "God's Road" and "My Road." "My Road" is all about me. It is all about my timing. It is all about "why me??" It is all about when it works best for me. It is all about my desires and wanting to be where I think I should be. It is about control. "God's Road" is not about me. It is not about my timing, what works best for what I think, or my desires, or about my control. "God's Road" is perfect in His way. Sometimes I see a cloud on "God's Road" and just can't see it (His plan). Sometimes I am afraid to see it because what if it is not what I want or what I think I can handle. God I need to see some of your road because I am struggling; struggling to understand.

So here I am...way past my bedtime and feeling depressed. It is in this time, that I fight my doubts and pray God brings me back and that I come to see HOPE again. Hope in believing that in His perfect time we will be right where He wants us to be and we will look back and be so thankful for the little life however whenever it may enter into our life; born in me or born in my heart.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Romans 8:28

It Is Just Plain Cruel

We have had issues with our mail... It never fails that several times a month we get other people's mail. It is quite frustrating actually!

Three times now, I have gotten a person's magazine that lives on the same number street, but on a terrace. I have just circled the "terr." part and put it back in the mail.

Well, today I come home and now the magazine has my name and my correct address! Ummm, I did not order this magazine or even pay for it and the worse part is it is 'Parents' magazine. That is just cruel...I was in tears. Thanks a lot mail dude!

Is There a Correct Measure of Time?

I have been trying to make sense of my struggle of "have we struggled 'enough' to feel this way?" Is there a certain time for it to be 'okay' to feel the loss of not realizing the dream and joy of having children when it goes completely against the innate God given yearning I have?

I would say, that I started to feel huge disappointment when we weren't pregnant after 2 mos. of trying. I felt kind of guilty about that. Many people encouraged me that it takes on average 3-6 mos to conceive. Phew! I was still in the norm at that point and kind of felt guilty that I was struggling so much each month. It was the usual routine of tears and saddness to anger to worry to renewed hope. Thankfully, hope always seems to come back. It is only through the assurance of Christ that I am making it through these tough months.

You do truly start living month to month. You know you are in the routine when each month you pull up the calendar and then turn to your husband and tell him "the sex days" of the month.

Fast forward to 10 mos of not conceiving and I was doing so good to not get emotional. I think I have actually hit a point where I expect to not be pregnant rather than wonder with excitement if we are pregnant. This was all until I did my usual Saturday morning grocery store shopping. Mind you, I had not cried this month that we weren't pregnant (it had only been 1 day, but still I was doing good!).

I lost it in Wal-Mart! Yep, that is correct....thankfully the store was not crowded! Here is the scene: man shopping with his two kids in the cart, man says to his daughter 'it is nana's birthday, sing happy birthday to her,' little girl takes the phone and proceeds to sing, 'happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear nana, happy birthday to you.' I had to immediately turn my cart down the next aisle, so they would not see my tears streaming down my face while standing next to the Spaghetti sauce!

To end, I would like to quote a section from Jennifer Saake.

"There was one fork in the road that did require my decision: Would I choose bitterness and self-destruction, or growth and renewed hope? The seemingly easier path was anger with God, but I needed to choose the trail that would truly make all the difference. In slowly finding kinship with Hannah, I have realized that my fertility challenges need not destroy me. Intense anger and bitterness have been replaced by a peace that comes only from God. pg. 15 of Hannah's Hope.

I am going to continue to Hope!