I am trying my hardest to accept and embrace that parenthood is a long way away. Argh, my human brain!
Today is a hard day.
Right now, my biggest prayer is that God would bring clarity on if we are supposed to have children and how. We really need a clear sign on what direction to take.
Money....either way we go adoption or medical treatment will require some miracles to make it happen.
More waiting...
Stay tuned
Monday, June 29, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Dinner with some new friends!
A lot of connecting has happened in the last week! About a week ago, my husband and I started to really talk about adoption (it has been a subject of conversation lightly for several months), but my heart has really been drawn to adoption this month. It is amazing how much my heart has opened up to it. God is this the road you want us to take?
My husband has such a heart for the Lord and waiting for His timing. I have a tougher time being patient. I, so admire my husband's heart and believe he is right that we don't want to rush into this (even though in my mind I am thinking 'even if we start the process now we are still at least a year out from having a baby in our home'). Deep down I know that he is completely right and this is not something to do just because we think it is right. We want to be lead and know for sure that God has this for us.
So, back to the connecting with new friends. I called the church a few weeks ago to see if they could connect me with people that have adopted. They gave me a name of a lady who has started an adoption ministry and so after a few rounds of 'phone tag' we finally connected. It was so nice to talk to someone who essential has walked in our shoes. This person was so open to share her experience. Wow, thank you! I then connected with another family and after only talking to me for 10 mins. she invited my husband and I over for dinner two days later. Remember this is a couple we had never met or even seen. Wow, how nice is that! This couple is amazing. They have adopted 3 boys from Korea!
Our prayer right now, is that God would show us clearly what direction He would have us walk.
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1
Friday, June 19, 2009
Deperately Seeking
Waiting for God's plan to unfold ALWAYS takes longer! I am convinced that our human thought of time is WAY different than God's time.
I have been reading a lot about an adoption agency here in town and I have been very impressed at how Biblically centered they seem and they are listed on the Christian Alliance for Orphans that demonstrates best practice. They also publish a newsletter that reaches Christian families who are dealing with infertility or pregnacy loss. This publication welcomes amauters to write for their publication. This is an adventure I am praying about contributing to.
The wait continues as I expect it will for a very long time way longer than I desire, so we continue to wait for God to make our path clearer.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Parallel Paths
God has really been working on my heart over the last two weeks. Or maybe I have hopped off "my" path and joined Him on His path? Instead of waving to Him from my path, I have decided to join Him so we can walk this path of infertility together. I seem to need to learn this over and over again because this lesson seems all too familiar; the situation is just different.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
I got my test results. In the end it reminds me that GOD is the one in CONTROL and His timing is PERFECT. So, hard to give over control though.
My results came back NORMAL. This is good, yet bad. It is good because you always can rest in good news and bad in that there is no earthly reason why we aren't preggo. Because my doctor can't find reason why we aren't pregnant and gave me a recommendation for a fertility specialist. All good and fine until I called my insurance company and I have no coverage for infertility. :( So, what does that mean...
It is just more confirmation...that little special spot in my heart for adoption is getting bigger and bigger. Over the years, I have been drawn to international adoption and I have been researching countries and the process and I keep running into my desire to have an infant and after all the process the youngest the child is 1 year. So...that leads us to look more domestically. I have plenty of blogs to follow of people that are adopting internationally, but who knew...I cannot hardly any connections of people that have adopted domestically (Thanks, Jami for your guidance and I will definately be in touch). Please leave a comment if you know of any connections.
Also, a HUGE 'stumbling' block is many agencies require the adoptive couple to be married at least 3 years. We are just coming to our 2nd anniversary, so this could very well make our wait to be parents much longer. :(
We will see what doors He opens for us as we walk along His path...
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
I got my test results. In the end it reminds me that GOD is the one in CONTROL and His timing is PERFECT. So, hard to give over control though.
My results came back NORMAL. This is good, yet bad. It is good because you always can rest in good news and bad in that there is no earthly reason why we aren't preggo. Because my doctor can't find reason why we aren't pregnant and gave me a recommendation for a fertility specialist. All good and fine until I called my insurance company and I have no coverage for infertility. :( So, what does that mean...
It is just more confirmation...that little special spot in my heart for adoption is getting bigger and bigger. Over the years, I have been drawn to international adoption and I have been researching countries and the process and I keep running into my desire to have an infant and after all the process the youngest the child is 1 year. So...that leads us to look more domestically. I have plenty of blogs to follow of people that are adopting internationally, but who knew...I cannot hardly any connections of people that have adopted domestically (Thanks, Jami for your guidance and I will definately be in touch). Please leave a comment if you know of any connections.
Also, a HUGE 'stumbling' block is many agencies require the adoptive couple to be married at least 3 years. We are just coming to our 2nd anniversary, so this could very well make our wait to be parents much longer. :(
We will see what doors He opens for us as we walk along His path...
Sunday, June 7, 2009
God's Word
Over the last few days, I have clinged to this verse
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4: 6-7
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Singing to the Lord
As I look at the title of this blog, I am convinced that this post is just what God wants me to post and share. When I started this blog, I really wanted to be as transparent as possible. Everyone is different and has different views and feelings about sharing. I truly feel that God brings things into your life to not only be a lesson to the person, but to be used to help others. How can I really help others if I don't share?
So, here I am sharing some more. I am kind of having a hard time sharing this because I feel a bit shameful and the fear of "what would others think."
I am struggling to trust God. I am struggling to wholeheartedly worship God. I am struggling on how to pray to God. I just have that 'valley' feeling. Okay, I said it. I really wish I was not in this place, but God knows where I am at and He still loves me the same. Thank Goodness!!
You know when you are at church and you feel like the spotlight is shining on you and everyone is looking at you? Well, this weeks message was a message directed at me (the pastor did not know, but God did!).
The whole message was based on one single verse (Matthew 26:30). "When they had sung a hymn, they went out to the mount of Olives." Then what really hit me was this one section that said,
"3 categories of people who do not sing to the Lord"
A. Those spiritually lost
B. Sinful lifestyle
C. Suffering hardships
Did you read 'C'? Yep, that is me. My 'song' has been quiter this year, weaker this year, more lonely this year. My song is not dead, my song has not turned away; it is just trying to get out of the valley. Yikes, is this transparent enough!
"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." 1 Peter 4: 12-13
To add to this, my friend Heather sent me an email to say, "I know it's hard to understand God right now. I know it's hard to trust He has it in his plan. However, I just wanted to remind you He is okay with your frustration, He is okay with your hurt, He wants your broken hallelujah, it's still praise when it's broken. You still love God and it's okay to struggle through understanding. I am praying for you and I know the battle and the wrestling your heart is dealing with."
She also sent me a link to a song by Mandisa. Wow, what a perfect song.
To end, I just want to share a note I put on the bottom of my notes from church.
"Allow me to grow in His grace through the hardships and a new song to praise Him."
So, here I am sharing some more. I am kind of having a hard time sharing this because I feel a bit shameful and the fear of "what would others think."
I am struggling to trust God. I am struggling to wholeheartedly worship God. I am struggling on how to pray to God. I just have that 'valley' feeling. Okay, I said it. I really wish I was not in this place, but God knows where I am at and He still loves me the same. Thank Goodness!!
You know when you are at church and you feel like the spotlight is shining on you and everyone is looking at you? Well, this weeks message was a message directed at me (the pastor did not know, but God did!).
The whole message was based on one single verse (Matthew 26:30). "When they had sung a hymn, they went out to the mount of Olives." Then what really hit me was this one section that said,
"3 categories of people who do not sing to the Lord"
A. Those spiritually lost
B. Sinful lifestyle
C. Suffering hardships
Did you read 'C'? Yep, that is me. My 'song' has been quiter this year, weaker this year, more lonely this year. My song is not dead, my song has not turned away; it is just trying to get out of the valley. Yikes, is this transparent enough!
"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." 1 Peter 4: 12-13
To add to this, my friend Heather sent me an email to say, "I know it's hard to understand God right now. I know it's hard to trust He has it in his plan. However, I just wanted to remind you He is okay with your frustration, He is okay with your hurt, He wants your broken hallelujah, it's still praise when it's broken. You still love God and it's okay to struggle through understanding. I am praying for you and I know the battle and the wrestling your heart is dealing with."
She also sent me a link to a song by Mandisa. Wow, what a perfect song.
To end, I just want to share a note I put on the bottom of my notes from church.
"Allow me to grow in His grace through the hardships and a new song to praise Him."
Monday, June 1, 2009
As I Expected
As I expected, June 1st was not going to be an appointment to confirm pregnancy. The appointment confirmed that I need to be further investigated. Boo!
The investigation begins on Thursday with blood work to check to see if all my hormones, thryoid, and insulin levels are normal. Then a few hours later I go in for a sonogram. I am most nervous about the "you need to drink 32 oz of water 1 hour before the appointment." If you know me at all, you know my weak bladder. Oh, I am a bit worried about this and my ability to "hold it."
I think I will begin a crash course in kegel exercises. :-)
The investigation begins on Thursday with blood work to check to see if all my hormones, thryoid, and insulin levels are normal. Then a few hours later I go in for a sonogram. I am most nervous about the "you need to drink 32 oz of water 1 hour before the appointment." If you know me at all, you know my weak bladder. Oh, I am a bit worried about this and my ability to "hold it."
I think I will begin a crash course in kegel exercises. :-)
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