Sharing (finally) :) ...What God Has Been Doing

I have been praying, thinking, worrying, resting, seeking advice, praying, thinking, worrying, and praying some more on how to start this post. And, then it hit me not too long ago about why this is so hard. It all comes down to worldly fear, fear of 'losing' readers, sadness that our good news will bring pain to others and that all too familiar feeling of "I am happy for her, yet oh so sad," even feeling 'guilty' that I have been blessed this way. And before I knew it, in walked my ultra sensitive-afraid of hurting others self. Then God gave me this verse-

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

God does not say "the same future." All of our futures and what our future family will look different, but if we earnstly seek Him He will give us our best future. We pray that His desires would become ours and that His desires would lead us in our best future and family direction.

I really thought God was leading us to adoption and I truly believe that someday we will welcome a child born in our hearts into our house because my desire has not change even though our circumstance has.

I read on someone else blog a wonderful quote

However Motherhood Comes to You, it's a Miracle by Valerie Harper

I absolutely love that quote. All of the adopted mother's I have talked to will say they love their child who was born in their hearts the same as they would a child born from them. How beautiful is that. We have all been adopted by our Heavenly Father the day we asked Him to be in our hearts.

God certainly had other plans for us right now because He is creating a child in me right now. That is right folks....I AM PREGNANT. It has been 13 weeks and that still sounds strange and unreal to me. Wow, God is entrusting us to raise this child He has created and blessed us with. We are thrilled for sure and was quite surprised if you can even believe that.

I have debated on whether I should continue this blog--a blog I dearly love and God has used so much in my life and I pray in a few others.
God really lead me to this blog because of my pain of infertility and to create a community of sorts for others who are also struggling.

I have a couple of options, close this blog and start a new one or continue this blog in a new sort of way because this is God's story. I believe the latter is where God is leading me, so I will continue to add to this blog our journey as it continues from here. I pray you will join us in our new journey, but understand if you do not.

For those of you still out there waiting for your miracle, I heart you and pray for you. I will always have a special place for you in my heart.

Hannah's Heart

I found this when I was looking for a commentary on Hannah. I thought it was a good summary of Hannah's life and what God did in her life and what we can learn from her. I love how we learn of Hannah's attitude change and how God ulitmately blessed her. And, wow, after Hannah yearned and desired so much for a child in the end she was willing to let her child go. It is just a beautiful reminder that our children are not really ours. They are on loan to us so to speak. We are to train them in the way they are to go and then let them go (Proverbs 22:6).

1 Samuel 1 Chapters 1 - 2

taken from http://www.wordlibrary.co.uk/article.php?id=161

INTRODUCTION
Elkanah had two wives - Hannah and Peninnah. Peninnah had children but Hannah did not (1 Samuel 1:1-8). Hannah's name means 'woman of grace' or 'gracious woman'.1 She eventually gave birth to Samuel after endeavouring years of cruel mocking and taunts from Peninnah for being childless.

A Raw Deal
Hannah had what many would call 'a raw deal in life'. She was childless in a society that considered not having a child the ultimate failure. A longing of the heart denied can cause much pain. Rather than allow her pain to cause bitterness towards God Hannah used the pain in her heart as a catalyst to pray. (1 Samuel 1:12-20).

Hannah developed a more intimate relationship with the God of Israel than the priest of Israel had. Eli was a man who watched lips instead of perceiving hearts (1 Samuel 1:12-24). How often today do we applaud those who 'talk the talk' at the expense of those who are quietly 'walking the walk'.

Eli was the priest, yet even when God spoke he heard nothing (1 Samuel 3:4-6). On the other hand, Hannah, a childless woman conversed freely with God and received her request. God honoured the most despised in the society with the favour of his blessings.
The perception that God in the Old Testament did not treat women well is not true. It was the culture of the time that detested women not God.

After Hannah's encounter with God her attitude changed before her condition did. She started to live a normal life again prior to having a child (1 Samuel 1:18). Contentment comes with believing God and finding rest in him. Contentment starts in the heart not with possessions. Hannah soon gave birth to Samuel. When the child was weaned she gave him back to the Lord (1 Samuel 1:24-28). From what we know of the culture of those days Samuel would have been about three years old at this time.

Letting Go
All mothers know that the time will come (or has come) when their children will grow up and leave. That is the time to let them go. No more holding and pulling their emotional cords. It's time to stop influencing them. Let them loose to be what God has called them to be.

This might involve calling them and praying over them. Releasing them to go and fulfil their God given destiny. You will always be their parent but no longer their guide. For some parents this is not easy. On your part it might involve a few tears. But it is the right thing to do (Genesis 2:24).
They might still be around and visit you often, but they are now independent of you in many ways.

God used Hannah to show us that this is possible. If anyone cherished her child Hannah did. Yet even she knew that children are a gift from God. We are given the privilege to care, guide and train them and later release them into life.

Hannah's story ends with her giving praise and glory to God (1 Samuel 2:1-11). She had a fulfilled life. The fact that she had to wait for some things did not mean she was doomed.
Waiting for things is not a curse. In fact God always uses it to produce a blessing if we remain faithful to Him. Keep your trust in God. That is what Hannah's life is telling you.

Hannah's Christmas!

Doesn't this just make you smile!

Praycation

The Lord is doing some amazing things... In response to this, I am taking a "praycation." I will return in a few weeks or less! Have a blessed Thanksgiving and Christmas if I don't "talk" to you before then.

Btw- the package for Hannah is on it's way! I did opt for a stuffed doggie and I hope she loves it. :)

Children Around the World

This post speaks for itself. I just love how pictures capture expressions and that moment in life.

Children of Guatemala

Children of Taiwan

Children of China

Children of India



Children of Korea





Children of Ethiopia

Children of Nepal

For India Photography

My dear friend Krissie is headed to India on a mission trip. God has called her to sell her photography to help pay her expenses to India.

Please check out her wonderful work and the beautiful people of India.

http://www.forindiaphotography.com/

Orphan Sunday

"Defend the cause of the Fatherless..." Isaiah 1:17

Will you join me in prayer? Ask the Lord what He would have you do today, tomorrow, and beyond. Not everyone is called to adopt, but EVERYONE can do SOMETHING.

Start with prayer.

Praying for Leigh, Adrienne, April, and Heidi and all the other families out there that are waiting for their children to come home.

http://www.orphansunday.org/

Lay Your Burdens at His Feet

Beware: This is a LONG post! It was just too good not to post. Thank you J.B. for passing this devotional onto me. It is definately worth sharing.


"Many of you today are just trying to make it through until the end of the month! You are burdened by the cares of this world. You have mountains in your life that are so large, you know it is only a matter of time before they crush you. You woke up this morning with a glimmer of hope, clinging to that last ounce of faith that today, maybe today, you might get that breakthrough you are looking for. You are tired, weary, and without enough energy to go on much longer. At this moment, as much as anything, you are hoping and praying for a bit of comfort in the midst of the trials and a little rest from carrying the burdens that are weighing you down.

My friend, put your burdens down, quit thinking about the circumstances you are facing for a few minutes and let God, the One who loves you, give you His peace and comfort today!

As you know, nobody can think clearly or make wise decisions when they are weary. Many times, we compound the problems in our life by making hasty, non-prayerful decisions in the heat of the moment without thinking. Today, go to God, ask Him to comfort you, give you His peace, and His rest. Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." I sense in my spirit today that many of you simply need to go to the Lord today and find that rest He has promised to you.

Listen my friend, the problems you have didn't happen overnight, and unless God decides to work a miracle, they won't go away overnight. But know that God will help you to get victory over your problems in His perfect timing.

This is hard for me to write because I am a very motivated, action-oriented person who likes to work until the problems are solved and then rest. But that isn't always practical. Many times God tests us through different problems and He rarely works things out on our time schedule. One of the hardest lessons for me to learn was that there are days and times when I just need to stop, relax, and let God comfort me for a while and carry my burdens.

What this really boils down to, my friend, is an issue of faith. We are so worried and work so hard in our own strength that we drive ourselves crazy due to a lack of faith. Faith is simply believing God can and will do exactly what He says in His Word. The reason it is hard for me to take that time of rest and enjoy the Lord's comfort is because of a lack of faith. I just don't trust God enough to work things out so I stay busy trying to do it myself. I am not saying we shouldn't work hard, be concerned about the issues in our life, or try to work things out, but at some point we have to take a stand of faith and trust God.

I love you and am praying for you. Never lose sight that no matter what, God is still on the throne and still in control. One of the interesting parts of the scripture reference I gave you today is that God comforts you so that you, in turn, can comfort others. Never forget that as you are about His business, God will be about your business. Often, we find that our needs have been met while we are busy caring for the needs of others. It is a powerful spiritual truth to never forget.

My prayer for you today is to take time to find God's peace and comfort despite the problems you are facing. Go to school or work and do the things you do in a normal day but rest from the worry and concerns of your problems and circumstances. Let God give you rest today from your burdens. Let Him comfort you in the midst of your trials. Let Him simply love you today. In addition, exercise that measure of faith He has given each one of us and start to trust Him more. Tomorrow, you will wake up fresh, rested, and with a renewed confidence in God. He promised to never leave you nor forsake you. You need to take Him at His word!.

May you find Christ's peace, Christ's rest, and Christ's comfort today even in the midst of the problems and challenges that you are facing."

In His love and service, Your friend and brother in Christ, Bill Keller
(From www.liveprayer.com and passed along by my dear friend!)

Miss Hannah's Smile

I think I need to return the monkey stuffed animal and replace it with a doggie. :)

http://newdayfosterhome.blogspot.com/2009/10/hannah-loves-tom.html

Jesus Loves the little children
All the children of the world
Red and yellow black and white
They're all precious in his sight
Jesus loves the little children of the world

Lessons In Waiting

I mentioned a few posts back a book that our Bible Study is going through. It has turned out to be the most perfect book (How To Let God Solve Your Problems by Charles F. Stanley) for me in this season of my life.


A few highlights below!

"We may not understand why our sufferings linger or the reason the trial we are facing does not let up, but God knows. And if we will trust Him in the midst of it, He will bring us to a place of blessing."

My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are you ways My ways. Isaiah 55:8

"When we submit ourselves to His plan- even if it includes trial and heartache- we position ourselves for tremendous blessing."

Cast all you anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5: 5-7

"Remember, He is not the One who created adversity, but He uses it to strengthen our faith and mold our lives so that we reflect His love and grace to others. It is in the hard places in life that we learn the deeper truths of God."

What truths are you learning?

Glimpse

As you know in this infertility journey there are lots of 'why' questions.

Why are we struggling with this?

Why is this timing not right when it seems like the perfect timing to me?

Why does it seem like it is so easy for everyone else?

Why did You chose us to walk this difficult path?

We don't always get the answers to our questions. But, God has given me glimpses this past week. For the first time in 15 months I can say "I can see a purpose in my infertility." I can't even begin to describe the beauty in that my dear friends and readers. I pray that God would give you one glimpse of purpose in whatever journey you are on.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Miss Hannah

Of course, a girl needs a purse and some sparkle. :)

Remember my post about Hannah? If, not, read down a few posts.

I have been Christmas shopping for Hannah and it has been such a joy. I pray that Miss Hannah will feel such joy on Christmas and feel God's love. I can see her smile now. :) My greatest prayer is that Hannah will have a forever family soon.

Thought You'd Be Here

Thought You'd Be Here

~Wes King

We thought you'd be here by now

your Mother and I

We're praying through our

tears that somehow

We might hear your sweet cry

Have we waited to long

It's getting harder to be strong

Is there something we've done wrong

But if you like dancing

I'll make it rain rhythm

and rhyme and melodies, child

And if you like dreaming

Your Mother will make your

imagination run wild

Somehow,

we thought you'd be here by now

We have a room just for you, upstairs

It's right down the hall

So we'll be close should

you ever get scared

We'll come when you call

It's a room full of stories

Waiting to be told

Longing to behold

And if you like laughing

I'll paint you a circus of smiles

and ferris wheels, dear

And if you like living

Your Mother will fly you

to worlds both far and near

Somehow....

I never knew the silence

could make me so deaf

I never knew that I could

miss someone I never met

Miss someone I haven't met yet

We'll be waiting

Faith

I was driving to work the other morning listening to my favorite radio station Klove..of course! I heard a song by Kutless and it just has stayed with me. I would like to share it with you!!

Enjoy

Kutless- That's What Faith Can Do


Now if only I knew how to post it as a video. Anyone want to teach me?

May Your Cloud Bring a Little Sunshine

God's timing is always so amazing to me. Hubby and I are part of a Bible Study with 3 other couples and 3 out of 3 of us who are desiring to start a family are walking through infertility. Our struggles with infertility came only after we had been meeting for awhile, so God knew we would need each other.

The book we are studying is just perfect for us and where we are in life. I highly recommend this book How to Let God Solve Your Problems 12 Keys to Finding Clear Guidance in Life's Trials by Charles F. Stanley.

I would like to quote a section from the book. I hope it encourages you as much as it has encouraged me today.

When problems come and you do not understand why, ask the Lord,"What are You saying to me? Do You want to reshape something in my life? Are You purifying me for a purpose, redirecting me for a reason?" God always will make His way through the storm clear to you. You may not understand why the clouds have appeared, but you can trust the One who has allowed them to gather. God never wastes our sorrows. Whatever you are facing today, you can be sure that He will use it in some dramatic way tomorrow to bring glory to Himself and to bless you.

May we take a little time this week to smile at the clouds because we know God has a great plan for us and our sorrows will not be wasted.

Blessed!

Can I just say that I am giddy! I am giddy that I get to do something so small that will mean so much to one 7 year old.

It was early summer when I landed in blogland at New Day Foster Home in China. I would stay up way past my bedtime reading about all the amazing things God is doing in the lives of these precious children. I am glued to the New Day blog and look forward to seeing the updates in my google reader.

Then yesterday, I learned about Sheri and her amazing mission her Operation Giggle to provide Christmas to all the children at New Day Foster Home. Imagine being a child without parents and receiving no gifts on Christmas morning. How wonderful it is to be able to provide gifts to kids that are unlikely to receive any. And, even more than the gifts...what a beautiful way to show God's love to these kids...they are NOT forgotten.

I was brought to tears while sharing this with hubby tonight. Last night, I emailed Sheri that I wanted to be paired with a child (I did not specify with who) for Operation Giggle and you know who I am paired with.....Hannah... that is right a sweet little girl named Hannah. You can learn more about Hannah here and here.

Today, my heart feels warm and full of love for a child I will not meet in this lifetime. Hannah has made a footprint on my heart.

You can bet that there will be lots of giggles on Christmas morning!

430

Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall. Psalm 55:22

430 days of praying, wondering, disappointment, anger, researching, sadness, heart brokenness, grieving, fighting depression, questioning, struggling, and hoping in the infertility journey. I know many of you have been in this journey way longer than me, (bless your dear hearts) but I know the feelings are the same.

We have to keep trusting God when we don't understand.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Proverbs 4:5-6

This verse has really been my journey verse. It is one I hold onto tightly. Some days, I forget to bring it to my memory and I fallback; I fallback into despair and feeling lost. I do struggle with scripture memory, but this verse I have been able to memorize. All too often, I end up depending on my own understanding and forget to trust God or I am afraid to trust God. I love how this verse says "and he will show you which path to take." For sometime now, I have felt like hubby and I have been standing in one of those roundabouts just waiting and turning to look down each road, but have not had the call as to which road to take.

Trusting and seeking...

Remaining

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

John 15:5

In 1996, I was a sophomore in college and finally surrendered to Christ. It was a desperate time in my life and thankfully my dear friends persisted and did not give up on me. It was a special day surrounded by some precious friends when I (finally) said "yes" to Christ. I gave up my control. The key word being control. I had such a tight hold on my life and even though it was not going well at all for me, I still did not want to let go and let God.

Sometimes, in this infertility journey I try to take the control back. It does not happen consciously, but a slow fallback. It is my control on wanting things to happen yesterday or even today that gets me into trouble. Then when it does not happen and some time passes, it is then I realize I am holding onto my timing not God's ultimate best timing. God knows when it is best for us to have kids. It is God who knows how we should build our family. It is not up to me. Did you hear that, Leah...it is NOT up to you, YOU don't know what is best. It is just up to me and hubby to OBEY the call.

Praying for us all to find our strength in Christ everyday through every bump of this roller coaster ride.

The Pedals Don't Work

Have you ever felt like you are peddling so fast, yet you don't feel like you are moving? I am feeling very much like this folks. To be brutally honest, my attitude has stunk up a room lately. I do my best to hide it and I am not sure most people would not even notice, but I notice it and I 'smell' it. In my little pea brain, I don't feel like God is showing us what we are supposed to do, so maybe He doesn't want us to really do anything. I am in the middle of many paths and don't know what way to turn or where God is really leading us. My "I want to get things done" personality, is not very comfortable with this waiting and seemlingly no answers time.

Praise our Lord that He gives us strength to face each day.

What verse(s) do you find comforting in a time of waiting or when you are searching for peace and assurance?

I am all ears!

Worldly View

“Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. ~Matthew 6: 19-20

I am reminded of selfishness and worldly treasures tonight. The t.v. is on in the background tuned to a home show and I just had to stop what I was doing because I almost did not believe what I was hearing. A couple's house was being showcased and they were showing everyone their $8,000 toliet that self cleans and well pretty much everything for that amount of money. My heart seriously sank because that is the exact amount of money my friend needs in the first step to bring home her adopted daughter from Ethiopia. What has this world come to?

Praying for all the orphans in our world that just simply want a forever family.

Do you like fun stuff and have a heart for supporting others?

An awesome giveaway is starting Sept. 14th. Just click on the One Day at a Time Giveaway button. You don't want to miss it!!

Small World

Have you ever said, "wow, it is a small world?" Not only has this blog connected me to people that I see on a weekly basis that have shared recently that they to are walking through this infertility path, but I have met some wonderful 'bloggy" friends. Through my passion of adoption and helping orphans I have "met" a few fabulous people. Maybe someday God will work it for us to meet face to face, but until then we support one another through prayer and other avenues of support.

Leigh is one such 'bloggy' friend that I have 'met.' I honestly, cannot remember how I landed on her blog, but I did....God's plan. :) What a blessing! Leigh and her husband are answering the call of adoption and are in the process of adopting their precious daughter from Ethiopia. In order to help with funding they are launching a STELLAR giveaway. Click on the button to the right and check it out!! You won't want to miss it.

The LORD defends the rights of orphans and widows. He cares for foreigners and gives them food and clothing. Deut. 10:18

Letting Myself Daydream...

I remember over a year ago when we decided that we thought it would be a good time to start a family, I would daydream about how I would decorate the nursery. Over time, I abruptly stopped dreaming about baby things. It was just too hard! Today, (I don't know what moved me to do it) I decided to browse the web for cute nurseries. Finding girl nurseries is SO much easier than finding boy nurseries that I like. I really am not attracted to animals, bugs, sports, or any of the usual boy themes, so when I did a search of "vintage nurseries" I was pleasantly surprised to find a cowboy theme. Now, I am not a country girl or anything like that, but for some reason I could really see my boy having a cowboy room.

New Book

My friend Jess found this new book and so of course I had to check it out...literally. It is called "Making Babies" by Sami S. David and Jill Blakeway. What really drew me to the book was the philosophy of helping couples achieve pregnancy as naturally as possible. The author was the first U.S. doctor to successfully do IVF. He talks about how uncomfortable he was in doing the procedure and did not like "playing God." His philosophy is to combine Western medicine with Eastern medicine to try everything possible to achieve pregnancy with the least amount of intervention (he exhausts everything before he refers clients out for IVF).

The funny part of this story is when I went to check out the book. I raced to the library between work and my hair appointment trying not to late to the latter and when I got to the library I could not find the book, so I had to ask. I went up to the little desk near many people studying and the librarian asked what book I was looking for. I tried to whisper as quiet as I could "Making Babies by Sami David." I am sure I disrupted a few students deep in concentration when I uttered that title!

So, are you wondering where we are at with things?? Well, I wonder, too. Somedays I still feel so stuck and like God is not moving at all. I know better than to think that though. What I do know is I have a desire to adopt AND I have a desire to carry a baby. Maybe God has plans for both?! My desire to create a baby with my hubby has lead us to continue to pray and investigate and my desire to adopt has lead us to support others in their adoptions through prayer and monetary means as well as the continued prayer for guidance and leading on when, where, and how He would lead us to adopt.

Like I keep say'in "stay tuned..."

To My Husband

This was "our" song at our wedding and I am just so thankful God brought us together. I can't imagine going through life and this infertility journey without my hubby. I pray someday "all my questions about why" we face this oh, so hard challenge will be gone.

When God Made You
by NewSong

It's always been a mystery to me
How two hearts can come together
And love can last forever
But now that I have found you, I believe
That a miracle has come
When God sends the perfect one
Now gone are all my questions about why
And I've never been so sure of anything in my life

Chorus: I wonder what God was thinking
When He created you I wonder if He knew everything I would need
Because He made all my dreams come true When God made you
He must have been thinking about me
I promise that wherever you may go
Wherever life may lead you With all my heart I'll be there too
From this moment on I want you to know
I'll let nothing come between us
And I will love the ones you love
Now gone are all my questions about why
And I've never been so sure of anything in my life

Bridge: He made the sun He made the moon To harmonize in perfect tune
One Can't move without the other
They just have to be together
And that is why I know it's true
You're for me and I'm for you
‘Cause my world just Can't be right
Without you in my life I wonder what God was thinking
When He created you I wonder if He knew everything I would need
Because He made all my dreams come true
When God made you

Tag chorus: He must have heard every prayer I've been praying (i've been praying)
Yes He knew everything I would need
When God made you (i thank god he made you)
When dreams come true
When God made you He must have been thinking about me...

I love you, Honey xoxo!

I "Gave Up" Caffeine...

..in July '08 to try and be healthy for the pregnancy I thought I would be going through shortly after that. Well, as you know that pregnancy still has not happened. I was so good and did not drink my beloved Diet Pepsi for many months. Oh, how I missed thee! I switched to the caffeine free variety and it was all well for awhile. Somedays I just miss the good ol' stuff. It is on the tough days that I usually break down and go for the caffeine. Tomorrow is gonna be one of those days and I don't have a problem stopping at my fav drink spot at 7:45am for it!

Cheers!

Future

This vision is for a future time.

It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled.

If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently,

for it will surely take place.

It will not be delayed.

Habakkuk 2:3

It does seem "slow in coming,' but Lord you know best so we continue to wait for your answers...it is still SO hard.

Funnies

Something light and funny for this post! :)

"For I know..."

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Somedays I just need this verse more than other days. Life this week has been so busy with trying to "get back into the swing of things" with my teaching job that I have just been soooo tired. I have learned that tired + the infertility journey = emotional breakdowns. I honestly had been doing so well. It all started to slide when heading back to work brought a lot of stress and tiredness. Seeing all the pregnant bellies was my first struggle. I really wish I could just turn off my yearning. It would really be easier, but God does not work that way. Then it was Thursday and one of my dear co-workers announced that she was going to be a grandma. After the excitement, I felt the deep, deep pain. It was all I could do to keep it together. I managed to hold it together until after hubby and I prayed right before bed. Then I just lost it. "Why, God, why can't my mom be a grandma?" "Will we ever experience this joy together before you send her home to you?" The tears just flowed and flowed with the extreme pain of loss that this dream of parenthood may never be shared with my mom.

I remember when my mom was first diagnosed and hubby and I were just starting our "let's start a family" journey. The thought of trying to be a mother without my mother was too much to even comprehend. I still, to this day, don't know how I will do it really, but God has grown me so much and I know that even though she would never be replaced, He would bring people into my life that I could lean on for support.

To all my friends out there, thank you for being so supportive through this journey. Life would not be the same without you.

Helping Others Bring Home Their Blessing

Over the last week, I have been pondering and asking God what I should do with this strong desire to help orphans/adoptions. Since God has not given us a clear for sure on what we are supposed to do or how to proceed, I have been thinking about what I can do now to help others. I told my husband yesterday that I need to do something.

So, I have two buttons on my blog now. I have never met Adrienne or Leigh, but I have been following their blogs for a few months and we have shared a few comments back and forth. I just love to read how God has touched them and led them to adoption. Both families are doing some pretty fun fundraisers that you will want to join! Click on the buttons and take a peek!

I don't want to leave anyone out who I may not know about. If you are in the process of adopting, follow this blog, and want me to add your button, PLEASE leave a comment.

This Room Reminds Me...

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.

A time to be born and a time to die.

A time to plant and a time to harvest.

A time to kill and a time to heal.

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to cry and a time to laugh.

A time to grieve and a time to dance.

A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.

A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

A time to search and a time to quit searching.

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear and a time to mend.

A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

A time to love and a time to hate.

A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

I love this room. This the room I keep all my clothes in because our master bedroom closet is not big enough for both our clothes. So, every morning and evening I am in this room. For the past two years, I have imagined how we would set this room up as a nursery. Today, it just really hit me that this room will never be that nursery. We will be moving by next summer, so this room will stay as it is~~zebra print and all.

Waiting

I was reminded of this song from another fellow blogger. I think it is the perfect song for us 'waiting.'

While I am Waiting by John Waller

This Way God? Or That Way?... Or This Way?

Lamp Lit Shoes

I love going on walks. I used to do it a lot more and I was skinner then (hmm...maybe I should make more note of that). Anyway, I love walks! I seem to do my best thinking, praying, and head-writing when I am walking around the neighborhood or wherever. I am pretty sure 'head-writing' is not a word, but my thoughts often come out like I am writing it down. Yeah, it is like an internal blog! Today, I was remembering a verse I enclosed in my college graduation announcement.

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.
Psalm 119:105

Whenever I would think of that verse, I would always imagine myself with little lanterns on my feet and I could only see about 1 ft. in front of me, but as I would keep walking I would see more and more and the 'story' would become more clear...I would understand.

This is very much where I am right now. This verse is so visual to me at this moment. I truly can only see about 1 ft. in front of me. I find myself wishing I knew all the answers. Do we adopt? Where? When? I just want to know!!

So, I will continue to put on my lamp-shoes and keep walking.

Purpose and Grace

When did I become interested in orphans? Well, it has moved in and out of my life since early high school-maybe before, but this is when I distinctly remember my heart growing. It was early 1990's and 20/20 or something like that aired a piece about Romania's orphanages. I remember watching the 2 part episode and just bawled through the whole thing and wanted to go to Romania and save ALL the children. It was painful to watch. From then, I would be drawn to sponsoring children to completing my Master's project on the topic. Did I always think I would adopt? No. Has it always been in the back of my head? Yes. Has it become more clear through infertility? Yes. If I got pregnant today would I still want to adopt? Yes. Did I feel this way way back when we first started trying to get pregnant? No. Has God used our infertility to lead us to adoption? Maybe.

I have been requesting info. from several agencies (just in case we get an official call from the Lord to adopt). I am still not sure what the 'official' call will be, or how it will come/look, but I trust it will come and we will know exactly what the Lord has for us. One agency has an amazing story of how it came to existence. I cannot tell you how present God is in the lives of people who have answered the call to adoption. In the packet of information that was sent was a book that was written by the founder of this agency.

There are a few points in the book that are worth quoting!

"Second Timothy 1:9 reminds us that He calls us according to His own purpose and grace. God Himself issues the call, and He executes the plan. We are simply asked to acknowledge His call. I find acknowledgment the easiest part of the process. The true test comes in living obediently within the call. Many are called, but few submit to God's sovereignty when the result isn't what they were expecting."

"The Christian life does not always play out the way we expect: I do this, God does that. It's not that simple. The choice to trust God isn't cushioned by deals, and promises that everything will turn out the way we think it should. God's only promise is that He will work all things in our lives for the good and for His glory."
(quotes from The Strength of Mercy by Jan Beazely)

I will go before you and make the rough places smooth;

I will shatter the doors of bronze, and cut through their iron bars.

And I will give you the treasures of darkness, and hidden wealth of secret places,

in order that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel,

who calls you by your name.

Isaiah 45:2-3

I really wish I could share that we know exactly what we are doing, but the honest truth is that we don't. Some days, I feel like we are no closer to knowing anything. Some days I am so discouraged and wonder how God could ever work out the miracle of adopting an orphan. Some days I "see" our child and he/she (I mostly see a she, but that could be that I would just love to have a daughter) and he/she looks nothing like us and it feels so right. Only God could be doing this folks. If you know me outside of this blog you know that only God could be doing this work in me. All I know is my heart aches-- I can't get enough of reading blogs on Asian adoptions, learning about people's adoption journeys, and seeking out requirements of countries, and desperately seeing if we 'fit' anywhere. God constantly brings these orphans to my heart to pray for.

God is working my friends, and it is so hard to not know the end of the story.

Our walk is a journey not just a destination!

My Heart Wants His Will

I am so blessed!

I have wonderful parents who love me unconditionally. I have a brother and sister-in-law who are a blessing to me even across the many miles. My husband is beyond words for being the amazing Christian man I prayed for, for many years. My church family is such a blessing. I have a wonderful job teaching kindergartners!

Lord, please forgive me for my impatience and my human desires that think I know best.

Yet, I feel like there is something missing. I know in His time, His desires for us will become our own and we will see exactly how He wants to build our family. Right now it is not clear.

We had a wonderful anniversary trip and enjoyed an amazing dinner on the 40th floor of a building. Even though I loved it, mainly because I was sharing it with my husband.... it just felt kind of different. The whole time I just kept thinking about all the orphans I have been reading about.

God has created quite a special place for Asian orphans in my heart.

On the way home from our trip, I just kept looking in the backseat half expecting to see a little Asian child in a car seat babbling to us and how perfect it felt.

Lord, if you are calling us to adopt in Asia...where? when? how?

Some Days are Just Too Much

Today, was a really hard day. I think the lack of sleep lately is not helping my fragile state today! Last night, my husband and I shared with my parents about our infertility. We had been keeping it a secret, but it was time to share. It was SO hard and it is SO much harder when your mom has cancer and only God knows her time left here with us on earth.

I have been doing much better with the pregnancy announcements that are happening all around me, but today was just not a good day and it was all I could do to keep it together this morning in our Sunday school when another couple announced their pregnancy. It is a place like no other to be extremely happy for your dear friends, but also feel so much pain and sadness for yourself and then the struggle to not let it show because you don't want to be the person that rains on the parade.

I Life My Eyes Up

by Kutless

I lift my eyes up to the mountains

Where does my help come from

My help comes from You

Maker of heaven, creator of the earth

He keeps our feet firm,

He watches o’er us

He will not tire or rest

Truly He watches over His people

And He will not sleep

Chorus:

Oh how I need You Lord

You are my only hope

You’re my only prayer

So I will wait for You

To come and rescue me

Come and give me life

The Lord will keep you from every evil

He will tend your life

The Lord will guard you coming and going

Now and forevermore

His Words In My Head

For the second time this week, as I have been laying in bed, God brought a song to my head. It is like all of sudden I realize there is a song going through my head. I truly feel that God is using this way to speak to me. I don't know exactly where He is taking me and how I will get there, but I am trying my best to completely trust. God has been doing amazing things in my heart over the last month.

Hands and Feet by Audio Adrenaline
(type the song into youtube to see the video--I could not get it to link)

An image flashed across my TV screen
Another broken heart comes in to view
I saw the pain and I turned my back
Why can't I do the things I want to?
I'm willing yet I'm so afraid
You give me strength, when I say
I wanna be your hands
I wanna be your feet
I'll go where you send me
I'll go where you send me
I'll be your hands
I'll be your feet
I'll go where you send me
I'll go where you send me
And I'll try, yeah I'll try
To touch the world
Like you touched my life
And I'll find my way
To be your hands
I'll abandon every selfish thought
I'll surrender every thing I've got
You can have everything I am
And perfect everything I'm not
I am willing, I'm not afraid
You give me strength, when I say
I wanna be your hands
I wanna be your feet
I'll go where you send me
I'll go where you send me
I'll be your hands
I'll be your feet
I'll go where you send me
I'll go where you send me
And I'll try, yeah I'll try
To touch the world
Like you touched my life
And I'll find my way
This is the last time I turn my back on you
From now on, I'll go out, send me where you want me to
I finally have a mission, I promise I'll complete
I don't need excuses, when I am your hands and feet
I am your hands and feet
Hands, feet, go, go
I wanna be your hands
I wanna be your feet
I'll go where you send me
I'll go where you send me

Speaking Through Song

It was through Christian music that I found Christ and let Him in my heart way back in 1996. Songs continue to minister to me often.

For the last week, I have had trouble sleeping. I just lay there awake and think, think, think, and think too much. I clearly remember a point brought up at church way back in the fall about insomnia=someone needs your prayer. So, as I lay there, I try to listen and pray for people that come to my mind. My heart has been so heavy in prayer for all the orphans of this world. I have read MANY blogs of people that have adopted internationally and all I can say is "wow, God is at work and has not forgotten His abandoned children." I am praying about how I can do 'more' for orphans. Currently, I support Steven Curtis Chapman's foundation and have for several years. What an amazing mission for Christ he and his family are doing. http://www.showhope.org/

Last night, out of nowhere, a song came to my mind that I so needed to sing:

"I Surrender All"

All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

Refrain:
I surrender all,I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Now I feel the sacred flame.
Oh, the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to His Name!

Finders Weepers

Sometimes on the infertility journey emotions come when you least expect it.

I was cleaned out my closet and other nooks and crannies and came across somethings I have forgotten.

Can you take things back to Kohl's even though it has been over a year old? I have the original receipt and all price tags are on.

When we first began this "let's start a family" journey, I would daydream about how we were going to tell our parents. I had this all planned out...probably my first mistake right there... that I was going to put the baby's due date in a picture frames that say, "Grandma Loves Me" and "Grandpa Loves Me." Well, the frames are still in the bag, in the box, and receipt intact. I am just not excited about the frames anymore and I am tired of them hanging around here, so I think I am going to return them--if they let me. If, returning is not an option then I will either offer them back to Kohl's or they will be in a garage sale near you.

I also found a pair of maternity jeans from Target that were dirt cheap, so I bought them...without being preggo...which was probably a repeat mistake. Maybe I should hold onto those as my "fat jeans." LOL!

The best news of the day...IS OUR GUEST/STORAGE ROOM IS SPARKLING CLEAN AND ORGANIZED.

UPDATE: I did end up returning the frames. I got cash back and treated myself to my favorite at Einstein Bagel!

So Far Away

I am trying my hardest to accept and embrace that parenthood is a long way away. Argh, my human brain!

Today is a hard day.

Right now, my biggest prayer is that God would bring clarity on if we are supposed to have children and how. We really need a clear sign on what direction to take.

Money....either way we go adoption or medical treatment will require some miracles to make it happen.

More waiting...

Stay tuned

Dinner with some new friends!

A lot of connecting has happened in the last week! About a week ago, my husband and I started to really talk about adoption (it has been a subject of conversation lightly for several months), but my heart has really been drawn to adoption this month. It is amazing how much my heart has opened up to it. God is this the road you want us to take?

My husband has such a heart for the Lord and waiting for His timing. I have a tougher time being patient. I, so admire my husband's heart and believe he is right that we don't want to rush into this (even though in my mind I am thinking 'even if we start the process now we are still at least a year out from having a baby in our home'). Deep down I know that he is completely right and this is not something to do just because we think it is right. We want to be lead and know for sure that God has this for us.

So, back to the connecting with new friends. I called the church a few weeks ago to see if they could connect me with people that have adopted. They gave me a name of a lady who has started an adoption ministry and so after a few rounds of 'phone tag' we finally connected. It was so nice to talk to someone who essential has walked in our shoes. This person was so open to share her experience. Wow, thank you! I then connected with another family and after only talking to me for 10 mins. she invited my husband and I over for dinner two days later. Remember this is a couple we had never met or even seen. Wow, how nice is that! This couple is amazing. They have adopted 3 boys from Korea!

Our prayer right now, is that God would show us clearly what direction He would have us walk.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Hebrews 11:1

Deperately Seeking

Waiting for God's plan to unfold ALWAYS takes longer! I am convinced that our human thought of time is WAY different than God's time.

I have been reading a lot about an adoption agency here in town and I have been very impressed at how Biblically centered they seem and they are listed on the Christian Alliance for Orphans that demonstrates best practice. They also publish a newsletter that reaches Christian families who are dealing with infertility or pregnacy loss. This publication welcomes amauters to write for their publication. This is an adventure I am praying about contributing to.

The wait continues as I expect it will for a very long time way longer than I desire, so we continue to wait for God to make our path clearer.

Parallel Paths

God has really been working on my heart over the last two weeks. Or maybe I have hopped off "my" path and joined Him on His path? Instead of waving to Him from my path, I have decided to join Him so we can walk this path of infertility together. I seem to need to learn this over and over again because this lesson seems all too familiar; the situation is just different.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I got my test results. In the end it reminds me that GOD is the one in CONTROL and His timing is PERFECT. So, hard to give over control though.

My results came back NORMAL. This is good, yet bad. It is good because you always can rest in good news and bad in that there is no earthly reason why we aren't preggo. Because my doctor can't find reason why we aren't pregnant and gave me a recommendation for a fertility specialist. All good and fine until I called my insurance company and I have no coverage for infertility. :( So, what does that mean...

It is just more confirmation...that little special spot in my heart for adoption is getting bigger and bigger. Over the years, I have been drawn to international adoption and I have been researching countries and the process and I keep running into my desire to have an infant and after all the process the youngest the child is 1 year. So...that leads us to look more domestically. I have plenty of blogs to follow of people that are adopting internationally, but who knew...I cannot hardly any connections of people that have adopted domestically (Thanks, Jami for your guidance and I will definately be in touch). Please leave a comment if you know of any connections.

Also, a HUGE 'stumbling' block is many agencies require the adoptive couple to be married at least 3 years. We are just coming to our 2nd anniversary, so this could very well make our wait to be parents much longer. :(

We will see what doors He opens for us as we walk along His path...

God's Word

Over the last few days, I have clinged to this verse

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4: 6-7

Singing to the Lord

As I look at the title of this blog, I am convinced that this post is just what God wants me to post and share. When I started this blog, I really wanted to be as transparent as possible. Everyone is different and has different views and feelings about sharing. I truly feel that God brings things into your life to not only be a lesson to the person, but to be used to help others. How can I really help others if I don't share?

So, here I am sharing some more. I am kind of having a hard time sharing this because I feel a bit shameful and the fear of "what would others think."

I am struggling to trust God. I am struggling to wholeheartedly worship God. I am struggling on how to pray to God. I just have that 'valley' feeling. Okay, I said it. I really wish I was not in this place, but God knows where I am at and He still loves me the same. Thank Goodness!!

You know when you are at church and you feel like the spotlight is shining on you and everyone is looking at you? Well, this weeks message was a message directed at me (the pastor did not know, but God did!).

The whole message was based on one single verse (Matthew 26:30). "When they had sung a hymn, they went out to the mount of Olives." Then what really hit me was this one section that said,

"3 categories of people who do not sing to the Lord"
A. Those spiritually lost
B. Sinful lifestyle
C. Suffering hardships

Did you read 'C'? Yep, that is me. My 'song' has been quiter this year, weaker this year, more lonely this year. My song is not dead, my song has not turned away; it is just trying to get out of the valley. Yikes, is this transparent enough!

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." 1 Peter 4: 12-13

To add to this, my friend Heather sent me an email to say, "I know it's hard to understand God right now. I know it's hard to trust He has it in his plan. However, I just wanted to remind you He is okay with your frustration, He is okay with your hurt, He wants your broken hallelujah, it's still praise when it's broken. You still love God and it's okay to struggle through understanding. I am praying for you and I know the battle and the wrestling your heart is dealing with."

She also sent me a link to a song by Mandisa. Wow, what a perfect song.

To end, I just want to share a note I put on the bottom of my notes from church.

"Allow me to grow in His grace through the hardships and a new song to praise Him."

As I Expected

As I expected, June 1st was not going to be an appointment to confirm pregnancy. The appointment confirmed that I need to be further investigated. Boo!

The investigation begins on Thursday with blood work to check to see if all my hormones, thryoid, and insulin levels are normal. Then a few hours later I go in for a sonogram. I am most nervous about the "you need to drink 32 oz of water 1 hour before the appointment." If you know me at all, you know my weak bladder. Oh, I am a bit worried about this and my ability to "hold it."

I think I will begin a crash course in kegel exercises. :-)

Almost Day 27...

...and the usual symptoms (crampy).

I was SO hoping that God would bless us with a little one before we had to endure medical intervention. Oh, I am so sad...

It looks like the next step is to have hubby's swimmers tested (he is thrilled about this btw...NOT) and I will get my tubes checked by a not-so-comfortable procedure called hysteropingogram (so looking forward to that...NOT).

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.- Psalms 31:24

Always a Mother's Heart

"Your fertility challenges hurt this much because you already have a mother's heart and are grieving for your children." (Hannah's Hope~Jennifer Saake)

I really could not put this quote into better words to describe the deep feelings that I have. I really have felt like I have been grieving. I have fought deep depressed feelings off and on through this whole year. It is like each month trying to prepare for a piece of my heart to be torn away and then it takes some time to heal only to be torn again...and again... and again...It is so hard to describe the emptiness that I have felt over the last year.

You know what is comforting? God has felt this same way. God has given his son, so that we could be HIS child. Wow! He knows how I feel. I am holding onto this...tightly.

I Am Viewing It As Relief

I went for my annual in mid-March. Secretly, I was hoping she would say that we had tried long enough to start investigating possible reasons we aren't pregnant. Bummer, that she said "try 2 more months and then come back in June." Guess what...I got an appointment for June 1st! How perfect is that! :) I have to say that this month has been a bit easier to get through knowing that I had an appointment already set.

It has been easier to see the cute baby bumps at work, it has gotten easier to walk by the baby aisle, it has gotten better to live day by day with the disappointment. I am learning to be content even though it goes against everything I desire and feel made to do (be a mom).

God has taught me a lot this year as we struggle with this. I have to confess that I have not always been open to listen and have very much wanted to take things into my own hands. This year I have spent many days, hours, and minutes in the "valley." It is so hard to come out of the valley; to see the light God is shining. I wish I could see His light-see His plan. I simply don't understand. I don't understand His reason, for what it seems like to me, in this delay of starting a family. Sigh.................

So, I plan to keep on, keeping on, and day by day rely on the only place I can really find true Hope--- in my Father's lap.

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamintations 3:22-23

Walking for Life

My absolute favorite Anne Geddes photo.

Today, my husband and I walked in the Advice and Aid walk. My mom is volunteering for the organization that helps women who are facing unplanned pregnancy. This organization celebrates life! As I was walking, I whispered to my husband on how unique it felt to be walking for women who are facing pregnancies that they don't want and even consider aborting and how we are facing the total opposite in that we want pregnancy, but "can't" get there. I lifted up all the women that this organization will help. I can imagine how scary it must be to be faced with the fear of having a child that they did not plan. Thankfully, we can rest in that God has a plan for each of these children and they aren't unplanned to Him. He has known all along!

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

To all the mothers out there...Happy Mother's Day tomorrow. I know I will be celebrating and cherishing the time with my mom and remember how much of a gift she has been to me. I have been especially reminded of this the last two years as she battles cancer.

Crossroads

I have hit a crossroad. I think I have come to this road before...monthy actually...10mos I believe. Each time the two roads are there. I know which one I should take, but I must confess I don't always boldly take the right road; the road I know is good and plenty.

The two roads are "God's Road" and "My Road." "My Road" is all about me. It is all about my timing. It is all about "why me??" It is all about when it works best for me. It is all about my desires and wanting to be where I think I should be. It is about control. "God's Road" is not about me. It is not about my timing, what works best for what I think, or my desires, or about my control. "God's Road" is perfect in His way. Sometimes I see a cloud on "God's Road" and just can't see it (His plan). Sometimes I am afraid to see it because what if it is not what I want or what I think I can handle. God I need to see some of your road because I am struggling; struggling to understand.

So here I am...way past my bedtime and feeling depressed. It is in this time, that I fight my doubts and pray God brings me back and that I come to see HOPE again. Hope in believing that in His perfect time we will be right where He wants us to be and we will look back and be so thankful for the little life however whenever it may enter into our life; born in me or born in my heart.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Romans 8:28

It Is Just Plain Cruel

We have had issues with our mail... It never fails that several times a month we get other people's mail. It is quite frustrating actually!

Three times now, I have gotten a person's magazine that lives on the same number street, but on a terrace. I have just circled the "terr." part and put it back in the mail.

Well, today I come home and now the magazine has my name and my correct address! Ummm, I did not order this magazine or even pay for it and the worse part is it is 'Parents' magazine. That is just cruel...I was in tears. Thanks a lot mail dude!

Is There a Correct Measure of Time?

I have been trying to make sense of my struggle of "have we struggled 'enough' to feel this way?" Is there a certain time for it to be 'okay' to feel the loss of not realizing the dream and joy of having children when it goes completely against the innate God given yearning I have?

I would say, that I started to feel huge disappointment when we weren't pregnant after 2 mos. of trying. I felt kind of guilty about that. Many people encouraged me that it takes on average 3-6 mos to conceive. Phew! I was still in the norm at that point and kind of felt guilty that I was struggling so much each month. It was the usual routine of tears and saddness to anger to worry to renewed hope. Thankfully, hope always seems to come back. It is only through the assurance of Christ that I am making it through these tough months.

You do truly start living month to month. You know you are in the routine when each month you pull up the calendar and then turn to your husband and tell him "the sex days" of the month.

Fast forward to 10 mos of not conceiving and I was doing so good to not get emotional. I think I have actually hit a point where I expect to not be pregnant rather than wonder with excitement if we are pregnant. This was all until I did my usual Saturday morning grocery store shopping. Mind you, I had not cried this month that we weren't pregnant (it had only been 1 day, but still I was doing good!).

I lost it in Wal-Mart! Yep, that is correct....thankfully the store was not crowded! Here is the scene: man shopping with his two kids in the cart, man says to his daughter 'it is nana's birthday, sing happy birthday to her,' little girl takes the phone and proceeds to sing, 'happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear nana, happy birthday to you.' I had to immediately turn my cart down the next aisle, so they would not see my tears streaming down my face while standing next to the Spaghetti sauce!

To end, I would like to quote a section from Jennifer Saake.

"There was one fork in the road that did require my decision: Would I choose bitterness and self-destruction, or growth and renewed hope? The seemingly easier path was anger with God, but I needed to choose the trail that would truly make all the difference. In slowly finding kinship with Hannah, I have realized that my fertility challenges need not destroy me. Intense anger and bitterness have been replaced by a peace that comes only from God. pg. 15 of Hannah's Hope.

I am going to continue to Hope!

The First Post

This blog has been nearly 35 years in the making. I know you are thinking "there was no such thing as blogs way back in 1974." You are right, there were no blogs in 1974, but that was the year God created me and in that time He knew I would be sitting here writing this first post. I write this first post with a little fear and wonder if I should really be putting myself out to the world like this. I have learned that in life God gives us struggles and thankfully we don't have to walk those struggles alone. In the last few months, I have felt like God has wanted me to do "something" with my pain of not being able to conceive. So, this is my attempt to be transparent; to be authenic; to be a witness; to minister to and to be ministered to.

I have recently done a book search for a Christian book that deals with infertility. I believe this search was the first stepping stone God wanted me to take to get to here this blog to share with you. It has been since I first opened this book that I have felt lead to do "something" with my pain.

Right now, it seems that this blog will largely reference Jennifer Saake's book Hannah's Hope.

Will you join me on this journey?