Walking for Life

My absolute favorite Anne Geddes photo.

Today, my husband and I walked in the Advice and Aid walk. My mom is volunteering for the organization that helps women who are facing unplanned pregnancy. This organization celebrates life! As I was walking, I whispered to my husband on how unique it felt to be walking for women who are facing pregnancies that they don't want and even consider aborting and how we are facing the total opposite in that we want pregnancy, but "can't" get there. I lifted up all the women that this organization will help. I can imagine how scary it must be to be faced with the fear of having a child that they did not plan. Thankfully, we can rest in that God has a plan for each of these children and they aren't unplanned to Him. He has known all along!

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

To all the mothers out there...Happy Mother's Day tomorrow. I know I will be celebrating and cherishing the time with my mom and remember how much of a gift she has been to me. I have been especially reminded of this the last two years as she battles cancer.

Crossroads

I have hit a crossroad. I think I have come to this road before...monthy actually...10mos I believe. Each time the two roads are there. I know which one I should take, but I must confess I don't always boldly take the right road; the road I know is good and plenty.

The two roads are "God's Road" and "My Road." "My Road" is all about me. It is all about my timing. It is all about "why me??" It is all about when it works best for me. It is all about my desires and wanting to be where I think I should be. It is about control. "God's Road" is not about me. It is not about my timing, what works best for what I think, or my desires, or about my control. "God's Road" is perfect in His way. Sometimes I see a cloud on "God's Road" and just can't see it (His plan). Sometimes I am afraid to see it because what if it is not what I want or what I think I can handle. God I need to see some of your road because I am struggling; struggling to understand.

So here I am...way past my bedtime and feeling depressed. It is in this time, that I fight my doubts and pray God brings me back and that I come to see HOPE again. Hope in believing that in His perfect time we will be right where He wants us to be and we will look back and be so thankful for the little life however whenever it may enter into our life; born in me or born in my heart.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Romans 8:28

It Is Just Plain Cruel

We have had issues with our mail... It never fails that several times a month we get other people's mail. It is quite frustrating actually!

Three times now, I have gotten a person's magazine that lives on the same number street, but on a terrace. I have just circled the "terr." part and put it back in the mail.

Well, today I come home and now the magazine has my name and my correct address! Ummm, I did not order this magazine or even pay for it and the worse part is it is 'Parents' magazine. That is just cruel...I was in tears. Thanks a lot mail dude!

Is There a Correct Measure of Time?

I have been trying to make sense of my struggle of "have we struggled 'enough' to feel this way?" Is there a certain time for it to be 'okay' to feel the loss of not realizing the dream and joy of having children when it goes completely against the innate God given yearning I have?

I would say, that I started to feel huge disappointment when we weren't pregnant after 2 mos. of trying. I felt kind of guilty about that. Many people encouraged me that it takes on average 3-6 mos to conceive. Phew! I was still in the norm at that point and kind of felt guilty that I was struggling so much each month. It was the usual routine of tears and saddness to anger to worry to renewed hope. Thankfully, hope always seems to come back. It is only through the assurance of Christ that I am making it through these tough months.

You do truly start living month to month. You know you are in the routine when each month you pull up the calendar and then turn to your husband and tell him "the sex days" of the month.

Fast forward to 10 mos of not conceiving and I was doing so good to not get emotional. I think I have actually hit a point where I expect to not be pregnant rather than wonder with excitement if we are pregnant. This was all until I did my usual Saturday morning grocery store shopping. Mind you, I had not cried this month that we weren't pregnant (it had only been 1 day, but still I was doing good!).

I lost it in Wal-Mart! Yep, that is correct....thankfully the store was not crowded! Here is the scene: man shopping with his two kids in the cart, man says to his daughter 'it is nana's birthday, sing happy birthday to her,' little girl takes the phone and proceeds to sing, 'happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear nana, happy birthday to you.' I had to immediately turn my cart down the next aisle, so they would not see my tears streaming down my face while standing next to the Spaghetti sauce!

To end, I would like to quote a section from Jennifer Saake.

"There was one fork in the road that did require my decision: Would I choose bitterness and self-destruction, or growth and renewed hope? The seemingly easier path was anger with God, but I needed to choose the trail that would truly make all the difference. In slowly finding kinship with Hannah, I have realized that my fertility challenges need not destroy me. Intense anger and bitterness have been replaced by a peace that comes only from God. pg. 15 of Hannah's Hope.

I am going to continue to Hope!