As I Expected

As I expected, June 1st was not going to be an appointment to confirm pregnancy. The appointment confirmed that I need to be further investigated. Boo!

The investigation begins on Thursday with blood work to check to see if all my hormones, thryoid, and insulin levels are normal. Then a few hours later I go in for a sonogram. I am most nervous about the "you need to drink 32 oz of water 1 hour before the appointment." If you know me at all, you know my weak bladder. Oh, I am a bit worried about this and my ability to "hold it."

I think I will begin a crash course in kegel exercises. :-)

Almost Day 27...

...and the usual symptoms (crampy).

I was SO hoping that God would bless us with a little one before we had to endure medical intervention. Oh, I am so sad...

It looks like the next step is to have hubby's swimmers tested (he is thrilled about this btw...NOT) and I will get my tubes checked by a not-so-comfortable procedure called hysteropingogram (so looking forward to that...NOT).

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.- Psalms 31:24

Always a Mother's Heart

"Your fertility challenges hurt this much because you already have a mother's heart and are grieving for your children." (Hannah's Hope~Jennifer Saake)

I really could not put this quote into better words to describe the deep feelings that I have. I really have felt like I have been grieving. I have fought deep depressed feelings off and on through this whole year. It is like each month trying to prepare for a piece of my heart to be torn away and then it takes some time to heal only to be torn again...and again... and again...It is so hard to describe the emptiness that I have felt over the last year.

You know what is comforting? God has felt this same way. God has given his son, so that we could be HIS child. Wow! He knows how I feel. I am holding onto this...tightly.

I Am Viewing It As Relief

I went for my annual in mid-March. Secretly, I was hoping she would say that we had tried long enough to start investigating possible reasons we aren't pregnant. Bummer, that she said "try 2 more months and then come back in June." Guess what...I got an appointment for June 1st! How perfect is that! :) I have to say that this month has been a bit easier to get through knowing that I had an appointment already set.

It has been easier to see the cute baby bumps at work, it has gotten easier to walk by the baby aisle, it has gotten better to live day by day with the disappointment. I am learning to be content even though it goes against everything I desire and feel made to do (be a mom).

God has taught me a lot this year as we struggle with this. I have to confess that I have not always been open to listen and have very much wanted to take things into my own hands. This year I have spent many days, hours, and minutes in the "valley." It is so hard to come out of the valley; to see the light God is shining. I wish I could see His light-see His plan. I simply don't understand. I don't understand His reason, for what it seems like to me, in this delay of starting a family. Sigh.................

So, I plan to keep on, keeping on, and day by day rely on the only place I can really find true Hope--- in my Father's lap.

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamintations 3:22-23