For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Somedays I just need this verse more than other days. Life this week has been so busy with trying to "get back into the swing of things" with my teaching job that I have just been soooo tired. I have learned that tired + the infertility journey = emotional breakdowns. I honestly had been doing so well. It all started to slide when heading back to work brought a lot of stress and tiredness. Seeing all the pregnant bellies was my first struggle. I really wish I could just turn off my yearning. It would really be easier, but God does not work that way. Then it was Thursday and one of my dear co-workers announced that she was going to be a grandma. After the excitement, I felt the deep, deep pain. It was all I could do to keep it together. I managed to hold it together until after hubby and I prayed right before bed. Then I just lost it. "Why, God, why can't my mom be a grandma?" "Will we ever experience this joy together before you send her home to you?" The tears just flowed and flowed with the extreme pain of loss that this dream of parenthood may never be shared with my mom.
I remember when my mom was first diagnosed and hubby and I were just starting our "let's start a family" journey. The thought of trying to be a mother without my mother was too much to even comprehend. I still, to this day, don't know how I will do it really, but God has grown me so much and I know that even though she would never be replaced, He would bring people into my life that I could lean on for support.
To all my friends out there, thank you for being so supportive through this journey. Life would not be the same without you.
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4 comments:
Oh Leah....I FEEL your pain in your words and know that you are hurting. I know that there is nothing that I can say or do to help you or heal you.
I understand the mom thing...and I understand the pregnant bellies at work...
I had a minor breakdown tonight and spent about an hour of my evening crying.
It's nice to get the crying in...but I can't focus on that. I've already been down that road, and it's NOT pretty. FIND something that you can focus on...it helps. YES...we need to have breakdowns, but focus your energy and thoughts onto something...
Thinking about you.
Leah, This broke my heart. I am not going to try and pretend like I know what you are going through, I simply don't BUT I am praying for your heart, praying for your transition back to school and that God will ease your stress and your pain. You might never see why God placed this in your life while you are on earth but I am certain that someday in heaven you will look back and see why. I bet you there are a lot of women struggling with this same issue that are reading your blog and you might never know what impact you are having on them. Praying friend.
Hi Leah, Thanks for your comment on my blog. This journey has been such a roller coaster that it means so much to know that any piece of it could encourage someone else. As I read your post from today, my heart really hurt with you. I have been there so many times. I remember one Saturday morning when I discovered yet again that I wasn't pregnant. I was hurting and to clear my head decided to go for a run. The park where I ran just happened to be hosting a March of Dimes walk, and hundreds of pregnant women and moms with strollers were using the trail I was running. I was so broken by the blatant reminder of my hurt and unmet desire... Speaking from someone who is now on the other side of things, this time won't last forever. It's hard to keep hoping, but fight for hope in the Lord, even when you can't hope in your circumstances. I'm praying He will meet you in your disappointment...
Hi Leah~
I pray God will bring more comfort for you as you need/want it. I pray He will answer your prayers with a "yes" soon, instead of a "wait". Many many hugs, love, chari
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